The A to Z Guide to VA Disability Benefits
JimStrickland912
Your Subtitle text
Where liberty dwells, there is my country.
Benjamin Franklin
Benjamin Franklin
There isn't much I can do with the letter "J" in this guide. You know how many VA disability topics begin with J? Not many, that's how many.
So...instead of getting depressed about why the VA is what it is, let's tell a joke or two.
The Jokes
Updated October 22nd 2009
So Bert goes up to Ernie and says, "want some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sherbert."
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "you man the guns and I'll drive".
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One fish turns to the other and says: Dam!
What does an Engineering major say major say?
"How does it work?"
What does a Science Major say?
"Why does it work?"
What does a marketing major say?
"How can we sell it?"
What does a liberal arts major say?
"Would you like to try our new angus mushroom swiss burger today?"
Updated October 18th 2009
A long time VAWatchdog dot Org reader, William Epps shared these classics with us early this morning.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking Engrish is apparently what kill you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A man left his office one Friday afternoon. Rather than going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. He returned home Sunday night and met up with his very angry wife who let him know exactly how pissed off she was. Finally she said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars", says the owner. The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, during a trip to the beach near Daytona I came upon a gang of unruly, drunk, mean-spirited bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Back off asshole or you'll answer to me!' " St. Peter was impressed and said, "Hmmm, we don't show any record of this. When did all this happen?" The fellow checks his watch and replies to St. Peter, "Oh....it was maybe 2 or 3 minutes ago."
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory. I was going to make a mental note of it and discovered I had nothing to write on.
The Lone Ranger and his faithful companion Tonto are sitting in a saloon, quietly sipping their beer. Suddenly, the saloon door swings open and a cowboy asks, "Who does the big white horse tied up out front belong to?" The Lone Ranger replies, "That's my horse. Why do you ask?" The cowboy tells him, "Your horse is overheated and looks like he's about to have a stroke." The Lone Ranger and Tonto go out to check and sure enough, the horse is in trouble. The Lone Ranger tells Tonto, "Tonto, I want you to run circles around the horse until you stir up a breeze to cool him down." "Sure thing Kimosabee." Replied the Indian. Tonto begins to run circles around the horse and it seems to work, the breeze cools him down. Rather than standing there and watching this spectacle, the Lone Ranger returns to his beer inside the saloon. A few minutes pass and the saloon doors bang open again and another cowboy announces, "Who does the big white horse belong to?" Somewhat upset at another interruption, the Lone Ranger says, "That's my horse. What's wrong this time?" "Nothing really," replied the cowboy, "But you left your injun running."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a republican," said the balloonist. "I am," said replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded. "You must be a democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
It's been said that if you were to line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone on I-75 in Atlanta would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The only cow in a small town in southern Minnesota stopped giving milk. The local farmers did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Iowa for 200 dollars, or one from Michigan for 100 dollars. Being frugal Swedes, naturally they bought the cow from Michigan. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time and the people were amazed and very happy. The townspeople decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like this wonderful Michigan cow. Then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would just move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his amorous quest. The townspeople were very upset and decided to ask a local retired professor who was very wise in such complicated matters just what they should do. They told the professor what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she moves to the back. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The retired professor thought about this for a minute and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Michigan?" The townspeople were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise professor," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Michigan?" The professor answered sagely, "My wife is from Michigan..."
So...instead of getting depressed about why the VA is what it is, let's tell a joke or two.
The Jokes
Updated October 22nd 2009
So Bert goes up to Ernie and says, "want some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sherbert."
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "you man the guns and I'll drive".
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One fish turns to the other and says: Dam!
What does an Engineering major say major say?
"How does it work?"
What does a Science Major say?
"Why does it work?"
What does a marketing major say?
"How can we sell it?"
What does a liberal arts major say?
"Would you like to try our new angus mushroom swiss burger today?"
Updated October 18th 2009
A long time VAWatchdog dot Org reader, William Epps shared these classics with us early this morning.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking Engrish is apparently what kill you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A man left his office one Friday afternoon. Rather than going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. He returned home Sunday night and met up with his very angry wife who let him know exactly how pissed off she was. Finally she said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars", says the owner. The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, during a trip to the beach near Daytona I came upon a gang of unruly, drunk, mean-spirited bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Back off asshole or you'll answer to me!' " St. Peter was impressed and said, "Hmmm, we don't show any record of this. When did all this happen?" The fellow checks his watch and replies to St. Peter, "Oh....it was maybe 2 or 3 minutes ago."
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory. I was going to make a mental note of it and discovered I had nothing to write on.
The Lone Ranger and his faithful companion Tonto are sitting in a saloon, quietly sipping their beer. Suddenly, the saloon door swings open and a cowboy asks, "Who does the big white horse tied up out front belong to?" The Lone Ranger replies, "That's my horse. Why do you ask?" The cowboy tells him, "Your horse is overheated and looks like he's about to have a stroke." The Lone Ranger and Tonto go out to check and sure enough, the horse is in trouble. The Lone Ranger tells Tonto, "Tonto, I want you to run circles around the horse until you stir up a breeze to cool him down." "Sure thing Kimosabee." Replied the Indian. Tonto begins to run circles around the horse and it seems to work, the breeze cools him down. Rather than standing there and watching this spectacle, the Lone Ranger returns to his beer inside the saloon. A few minutes pass and the saloon doors bang open again and another cowboy announces, "Who does the big white horse belong to?" Somewhat upset at another interruption, the Lone Ranger says, "That's my horse. What's wrong this time?" "Nothing really," replied the cowboy, "But you left your injun running."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a republican," said the balloonist. "I am," said replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded. "You must be a democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
It's been said that if you were to line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone on I-75 in Atlanta would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The only cow in a small town in southern Minnesota stopped giving milk. The local farmers did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Iowa for 200 dollars, or one from Michigan for 100 dollars. Being frugal Swedes, naturally they bought the cow from Michigan. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time and the people were amazed and very happy. The townspeople decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like this wonderful Michigan cow. Then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would just move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his amorous quest. The townspeople were very upset and decided to ask a local retired professor who was very wise in such complicated matters just what they should do. They told the professor what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she moves to the back. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The retired professor thought about this for a minute and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Michigan?" The townspeople were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise professor," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Michigan?" The professor answered sagely, "My wife is from Michigan..."